How do you feel?

How has today been? I hope things have been flowing smoothly. If you run across things throughout the day that bring about stress, stop and take a deep breathe and clear your mind.

I can remember a day I was playing with my dolls. My grandfather came home and was full of hell. He argued with my grandmother, as soon as he arrived home from work. He would continually lash out at me, when things wouldn't go his way. I guess he never had a good day, because I was constantly getting beat for something.

He called me to come upstairs and "beat his legs". What is that you ask? He would have me to come into his bedroom and literally, take my hand and lightly hit his legs, until he fell asleep or until he decided he did't want me to do it anymore. I would find many days, I would be in his room, for 12 hours or more. I guess you could have said, I was his slave.

My cousin would ask for my toys and if I didn't give them to her, she would tell my grandfather. He would beat me for that too. I tried to be nice to her, but she was quite spoiled and that was annoying.
I never knew from one day to the next, what I was going to face. I was always nervous and afraid for no reason. I guess I didn't have peace as a child.

I often wonder why my grandfather would beat me and be so mean to me. He did apologize, on his death bed. I know now he really didn't know how to be any other way. I think my grandmother would buy me things, to compensate for the things he would do. I did love to shop with granny.

My grandfather was abused as a child. He abused some of his children. I have heard stories, but never asked anyone, but my dead aunt and uncle. They shared of few things. It was something, they didn't want to remember, I guess. I tell you, so you can better understand why I want to help you overcome. I don't know if you are an abuser; or are being abused.

I will say that either way, it must stop. Abuse under any circumstances is wrong. I do realize that you may have things buried deep inside. Sometimes you have to stop and think. You must introspect and ask yourself, "How can I hurt someone I love?" If you truly love them. How can you raise your hand to hit them?

It may be presumptuous of me, but I would think anyone with a history of abuse or being abused, one would seek to understand their behavior. It does take some time to be more aware that you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Sometimes, it is hidden so deeply, you don't realize the bad relationships you have been choosing; are because of what you experienced in younger years.

You must do many things to develop  healthy mindset. I have a list of strategies I used to help myself. You bury the hurt deep inside, but you must address it. It is when you do, you start to heal
There are different levels of trauma that require additional techniques.

• Keep a daily journal
• Write down how you feel, when you get angry
• Find something to have in your hands. Keep it with you at all times. (when you feel an tension building)
• Take five minutes to step away and clear your thoughts, from the object of aggression.
• Repeat "I AM IN CONTROL" numerous times. Regain control of your emotions!